Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas from the Cancer Ward

Life in the Bay Area is pretty predictable, at least for me. Wake up, masturbate, breakfast, work, lunch, back to work, gym, dinner, masturbate, masturbate, sleep. Repeat that 7 times a week, but subtract out the work twice and replace it with more jacking off and maybe some drinking. I think the only variety I get in my daily schedule comes from the television. In New York I almost never watch TV, we don’t have cable, and even though I own hundreds of DVD’s, I actually don’t watch movies all that often. But here, in the soul crushingly exciting town of San Anselmo, I probably watch 10+ hours a week. I have to say, TV is pretty rad. You can learn so much from it. Survivor Man and Man vs. Wild have taught me how to extract water from elephant feces and how filter my urine so that it won’t kill me the next time I drink it. MTV has a show about spoiled bitches that teaches me that rich eighteen year old whores really don't like poor people. In another show about a spoiled bitch, some gay dude has a contest where a bunch of other gay dudes compete to be his “friend.” From what the previews tell me, this is going to be even better than that show where Flava Flav had a bunch of low rent skanks fight for the honor of being the next slut to put Flava’s dick in her mouth. Television rules.

However, the best part of holiday season television is the commercials. Just about every one is hurting economically and these big companies have to work extra hard to get you to spend all that money you don’t have. My favorite attempt has to be this epically creepy Macy’s commercial:

Look at the all-star cast! Nothing says Merry Christmas like a bimbo, criminals, a really creepy old dude, and uh, Carlos Santana? If Santa and Jesus weren’t so busy making shitty wooden toys I’m sure they would have no problem unleashing the end of times on our trashy tasteless asses. Merry Christmas dickbags!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Goodbye Gut!

First of all let me apologize for the heinous picture above. I am hoping to get that fixed as soon as possible. I just came from the gym where I ran 3.5 miles. Not too bad, but certainly not where I need to be. I will be participating in the Nautica New York City Triathlon, an Olympic length race (1500 meter swim, 40k bike ride, and 10k run), on July 26, and I have a lot of training to take care of. Currently I can; run 3-4 miles, swim about 400 meters, and cycle 10+ miles pretty easily. I am signed up for a triathlon training class that runs from May 6th until race day. By the time class starts I would like to be able to complete each section of the race individually and use the class to pull all the pieces together. My training regimen, so far, has been cobbled together from a couple of things I’ve read on the Internet and an introduction to triathlon training book that I picked up. So far, so good. I run three days a week, cycle two days, and am still looking for access to a heated pool. Once I find that I plan on swimming at least two days a week, even if it means 5am wake up calls. Ugh.

In addition to all that cardio, I lift weights three days a week. The lifting isn’t really structured to help me for the race, but I’ve never been happy with my physical appearance so why not add some vanity exercises while I’m at it. At one point I was going to physical therapy to deal with some knee pain so I now have another set of ridiculous looking exercises that involve a foam roller, a bozu, and a goddamn elastic band that I fucking despise. But it keeps my knee from blowing out, which, I grudgingly admit, is kinda nice.

I’ve also been reading a bit about nutrition and have made some relatively major changes to my diet. I’ve basically eliminated dairy and try to limit the amount of meat I eat. The meat part has been difficult, but I’ve discovered a whole world of legumes, leaves, buds, roots, bulbs, fruits, and stems that in some cases are much more satisfying than the sweet delicious taste of bloody flesh. OK, not in that many cases. And PS, I don’t care what any vegetarian says; fake meat is a culinary atrocity. However, one of the positives of all this added fiber in my diet is the meteoric rise in bowel movements I’ve been producing. I probably shit four times a day, which means that almost an hour of each workday is spent flexing my colon, which is much preferable to office work. In an unrelated note, if anyone is interested in nutrition I highly recommend reading The China Study by T. Colin Campbell. It has changed a lot of the previous ideas I had about my relationship with food.

I’m currently flirting with the idea of cutting alcohol out of my diet (again). This time I’m thinking no booze from January 1st until race day. That would be an unprecedented seven-month absence from alcohol. Outside of the first seventeen years of my life, that would be my longest period of sobriety. I don’t know why I’m so fixated on this. I’ve never worked harder or more consistently on anything before and I’m only about two months in. Let’s see where this temporary obsession takes us. Most importantly, let’s see if it gets rid of my unsightly muffin top. I’ll keep track of my progress and hopefully be able to provide one of those sweet before and after picture sets come August. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Can Someone Elaborate?

Apparently this little video is making the rounds all over the Internet. Am I missing something? Can someone tell me why this is funny? Repeating the same joke a dozen times in a three-minute video is not funny or clever; it’s just stupid. That’s not to say that stupid can’t be funny. (NSFW) This idiot using his ASSHOLE TO PICK UP A MASON JAR (NSFW) is hilarious and pretty fucking creative if you ask me. That is if you consider bloody anii as funny as I do. If you want to hear something legitimately funny that involves guys cumming listen to Louis CK or Jimmy Norton. Andy Samberg is just fucking retarded.

NB: All the links here are NSFW. Especially the mason jar one. Please don't watch that.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

New Goals

I have two new goals that I hope to accomplish. One should be pretty easy to figure out in the short term and the other might take some time.

Goal 1: I want to make myself a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich with hog jowl bacon. A southern man who cooked my dinner on Saturday told me that I might be able to get some at a "colored folks deli." Any idea where I can find one of those?

Goal 2: Work on my flexibility until I can practice autofellatio. (NSFW, duh)

I'll let you guess which one is going to take some work. I'll keep you appraised of the results.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

It Hath Returneth....

Hello Dear Readers!

After much deliberation (and popular demand) I have decided to bring this little experiment back from the dead. Un(?)fortunately, when I originally decided to kill this thing off, all my posts got deleted, and apparently, permanently lost. Oh well, nothing like a fresh start to a bad idea.

That being said, there are some marked differences between the previous incarnation of this blog and the current one. At least for now. The last time I started this thing I was very emotional. I created this journal out of anger. Childish emotions got the best of me, but it turned out to be the cathartic experience I needed. Oh, and I got laid.

However, this time around, instead of being overly emotional, I feel practically emotion-less. The past three months have been the most mentally and emotionally turbulent of my life for a variety of reasons (father battling cancer, death of a friend, yadda yadda). Last time, my goal was to chronicle my sex life and whatever endeavours I took to enhance it. I didn't cover that much sex, but it was a pretty interesting time for me. (Did I mention that I got laid?) This time though, I'm not angry or sad, I'm certainly not happy, and curiously, I have almost no desire to get laid (read: No options). Of course, if Karma Rosenburg knocked on my door and told me that she was doing a case study on the effects of putting random dicks into her mouth and vagina and anus, I'd actively participate. Mostly in the name of science. And blowjobs.

Basically what I am saying is, I have not-a-fucking-clue what I'm going to write about. There are some interesting things happening in my life; I'm training for a triathlon, I'm living on the west coast, all of my friends live three thousand miles away, and other related personal issues that I will senselessly post all over the internutz. Hopefully I can divine some sort of interesting tale out of all this. At any rate, I'm just going to write, and you unlucky readers will just have to tag along for the ride. You are the one's who asked where this stupid diary went, and you will be punished appropriately.

To be continued...